CONFIDENTIAL to Parents of Teens

That simple “birds and bees” talk doesn’t work with today’s teens. Complex new issues make the dating scene vastly different from a generation ago. “While many teens are committed to postponing intercourse, some are substituting other risky sexual behaviors instead,” says adolescent medicine specialist Sarah Stevens, M.D., of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network.

“For many teens today, it’s all about ‘hooking up,’ ” says Stevens’ colleague, obstetrician/gynecologist Alexandria George, D.O. The term covers a wide range of sexual behavior, including oral sex. Hooking up is seen as less intimate than dating, and can be done with the most casual of acquaintances without any expectation of commitment. Alcohol often is involved, lowering inhibitions.

“With the increased focus on abstinence,” George says, “the incidence of intercourse is down, but oral sex has become much more common, in committed relationships as well as casual hookups. Kids still consider themselves virgins if they only have oral sex.” A recent government study of teens across the country found that about half have engaged in oral sex. When George did a similar study last year at a community college in the Lehigh Valley, she found a rate of 70 percent.

Apart from the psychological issues surrounding hooking up, Stevens says, physicians are concerned that few young people use condoms. “They may have the misconception that if it isn’t intercourse, they aren’t at risk for sexually transmitted diseases like human papilloma virus, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes and even HIV.”

What can a parent do? “Most kids tell me their parents never talk to them about sex except to say ‘don’t do it,’ ” says adolescent psychiatrist Dhana Ramasamy, M.D., of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “Kids want and deserve more guidance than that.”

Parents need to remember that curiosity and strong sexual feelings are normal in adolescents, Ramasamy says. “If and when your teen brings up sexual subjects, try not to act shocked or angry. And above all, don’t threaten: ‘If I ever catch you doing ___, there’ll be hell to pay!’ That’s a sure way to shut down further communication.”

What if you’re uncomfortable talking about sex? “You probably don’t have to get into graphic details, especially in today’s sexually explicit culture,” Ramasamy says. “But it’s important to talk about the power of sexual attraction and the emotional issues and social stresses that accompany it.”

The most important conversation with your teen will focus on what’s involved in truly respectful relationships, how to speak up for yourself in challenging situations, and how to cope with peer pressure while maintaining your self-esteem, Ramasamy says. “Finally, you want them to know you’re there to listen anytime.”